‘Difficult to leave’

Anticipating the arrival of a new pastor can often trigger a range of emotions for expectant parishioners, from the excitement of welcoming a new shepherd to the disappointment of watching their beloved spiritual leader depart.

Those emotions parallel those of the clergy members who are in their own transition, departing a church parish where they have spent the past decade or longer, leaving behind families who they have bonded with, a staff that has served him well. 

And with each new assignment, a priest must not only learn the nuances of a new parish and its congregation, but the practicality of learning a new community, such as the nearest grocery store, etc.

“It’s very difficult to leave,” said Father David Allen, who retired in 2021. “I twice left parishes where I had been 12 years and after I had been in five places in eight-and-a-half  years. So when you stay 10 to 12 years (the parish) becomes your family. But sometimes families have to move.”

He said easing the transition for both sides is that if possible, the pastor is able to alert the congregation a year in advance of his departure. By doing so, the pastor is open with the congregation and the grieving process can begin.  

Father Matthew Lorrain, longtime pastor at St. John the Baptist Church in Brusly who this past spring was appointed pastor at Holy Rosary Church in St. Amant, said the emotions of leaving can often depend on the personality of the priest. He said some priests prefer staying a longer period of time if circumstances allow, building relationships and building up generations.

“You might baptize a kid, and then confirm (the same young person),” he said. “Those are pivotal moments in one’s life.”

“There is a blessing to be able to see a kid you baptize and then give first Communion,” he said. “That is seven years. And then you’re there for confirmation. They are significant being able to see the growth and faith of parishioners.”

But Father Lorrain was quick to add the flipside, acknowledging that if a priest is in one place for a longer period the more comfortable he becomes with the parishioners and the staff. 

“You are not applying yourself,” Father Lorrain said. “You get so comfortable that you stop growing and your parishioners stop (growing). At a certain point you need to change for a new challenge, so you can move forward, and not just be satisfied where I am spiritually, where I am as a priest or as a pastor. Going to a different community you bring a lot of wisdom and experience with you but you are also open to new ways of doing things.”

He noted each parish is different and subtle changes might exist in the way things are done. But he stressed the incoming pastor must not try to immediately impose his way but by being open, he might prefer the new way.

 “The priest needs to have continued challenges where God wants him to go,” Father Allen said. “It hurts but you trust that things are going to happen that will bring out ministry in you that you had not imagined or exercised prior. (A new assignment) definitely brings new hope, gifts and graces that you did not have before.”

Father Lorrain admitted change is more difficult as one gets older. He said the priest is more flexible when he is younger but through the years he gains wisdom and experience. 

Father Allen pointed out two critical points that have benefitted him when entering into a new parish. He said the first is a strong prayer life. 

Secondly, he said the priest must go into the new parish not as a pastor but first as a parishioner.

“You go in with the idea this is going to be my home, therefore I am going to make it my home by becoming part of the family and listening to their life and their traditions of their parish so you can become one of them,” Father Allen said. “You go in with an open mind and heart and listen to them and then you can become a pastor.” 

He said if the incoming pastor does not go in as a parishioner, does not become in the lives of the congregation, learning  their heritage and their community, then it becomes difficult to become a leader.

Father Allen said a pastor should not come in believing he is  entitled to lead the parish but by becoming a parishioner first and learning the parish, he feels empowered to lead them by becoming part of them. 

He said the incoming pastor is walking into a situation where the staff is his special family, his core family. 

“And this is not just workers.  These are people where (their job) is a ministry but also their livelihood,” Father Allen said. “You have to respect that because they love their church, they love their ministry but the job is also their life, having something that supports them. 

“If you go in and don’t respect them, and you just want to bring in your own people and make changes, that’s not really having a decent respect for the dignity and gifts they have.”

Father Lorrain agreed, saying by getting to know the people and quickly establishing relationships the ministry becomes more fulfilling. He said in order to be an effective shepherd, the pastor should let the people know him and he know them without getting into a situation that has unrealistic expectations.

Father Lorrain said there exists a certain amount of incoming momentum for the new pastor and he can ride that momentum to make some minor changes but should also consult with parish leaders,  staff and  council to determine their priorities. He said the previous pastor might have been focused on areas that might be functioning smoothy so other areas might need to be addressed. 

He said all of the sacraments should be evaluated but a top priority should be looking at how a parish celebrates a Mass and how well is that Mass being celebrated. 

Part of the difficulty of being transferred, Father Allen admitted, is  leaving behind personal relationships saying the “transition not only from the goodbye Mass but severing some of the connections and apron strings that have developed that you can put on a new apron and develop a new family.”

He said it is possible to maintain some of those old contacts but the priest must realize the parishioners he is leaving behind are his family but not his primary family. 

 “They are your relatives but you don’t always see relatives and talk to them,” he said. “That way you open the door for the new priest coming in to be adopted and become part of the family. If you stay too involved you don’t give the priest and the people the opportunity to adopt and know one another.”

Father Lorrain said leaving is difficult simply because the parish has become a family. He said he learned how to keep the actual goodbye short and simple, usually via a short letter in the bulletin.

“At Mass, I keep it simple because I get emotional. I know I will start crying,” he said. 

Father Lorrain said  that in a certain sense maintaining some old relationships can be healthy.

“Sometimes it becomes more of a friendship because you are no longer their pastor,” he said.  “You can’t really be a pastor and a friend at the same time.

“Those relationships can be more rewarding.”

Father Allen said a pastor must adjust to new surroundings and a new congregation but must also keep his perspective.

“There are so many blessings of being a priest,” he said. “We need to take an attitude of gratitude every day, even on a tough day.

“There is a reason to have an attitude of gratitude because God’s will is being done by you being there. And if we have a thankfulness, we can be successful every day on some level.”