Praying for my rascals

Maybe I’m writing this and no one can relate but lately I have felt as though I am making priority for everyone else’s prayer requests and not my immediate family. Or more so I am giving all my strength and emotional capacity to things outside of my domestic church and it often leaves me lacking when their needs arise.

That probably sounds rough. “Ellen, are you saying that other’s prayers and needs are not as important as those for your family?” I am not. Community and getting people into heaven is everything! I desire strongly to pray and comfort others. It sanctifies. What I am saying is that I do not make more time for the prayer and needs of others. What I do is replace the time I make to pray for the souls of my children and tending to their formation with those that are most loud in my ear. I am not a strong manager. 

 Just like everything else in life the most pressing need gets the attention, the squeaky wheel or the things that are most stealing my peace will completely take over my prayers and extra time for reflection and then as I am doing my examen at the end of the day I recall no “routine” intentions for my children.

In the case that the squeaky wheel is my child then the prayer will get lifted but I really, really struggle with routine prayer simply for the well-being of my children and this frustrates me. There have been days where there was no prayer for my babies at all. This crushes me. Why don’t I make their spiritual needs my priority? They are living in a world that is absolutely bananas and they oftentimes don’t even know it. I know there are instances at school where they are challenged in their faith or have to deal with some uncomfortable thing and my prayer as a Momma can grant them grace to deal from our sweet Lord if I just intentionally ask with a pure heart.

I grew up in an elementary school where sisters rubbed my back and moved my bangs behind my ear while singing “Gentle Woman” like an angel. In high school there was a 10-foot Divine Mercy image at the end of the hall that reminded us to trust in the Lord between classes. Our choice to send them to public schools gives them no such opportunity so I must turn up the St. Monica action for these rascals but it hasn’t been consistent. 

For the last year, I have been praying very specifically for guidance on how to pray for my kids and how to make it a priority and he has shown me, of course, in ways I did not expect. He has given me opportunities to feel overwhelmed, quite often lately, so that I learn to balance and set boundaries. In general, my personality wants to please and that is rooted in vanity. I don’t want people to be “let down” or think I can’t handle something, so I continue to take on things that pull me away from my family and our Lord.

Through this unconventional instruction I am learning to say “no” more often. Also, the ole Litanies of Humility and Trust have given me the courage to surrender. I am finally learning to be more relational with God all day in many ways through spiritual direction and my Carmelite formation. What he has shown me since I have been seeking this specific support is that my designated prayer time was a checklist and he doesn’t want robot Ellen in the morning for 40 minutes. He wants Ellen’s heart all day. That is the “unceasing prayer” that St. Teresa of Avila speaks about.

Yes, he wants us to obediently pray all the beautiful prayers of our Catholic faith but he more so desires to have our attention all day. He wants us to KNOW him and he wants us to give ourselves to him. In conversation, in worry, in the fun times and in despair. He continually wants us to turn to him. He wants me to just say my children’s name and then pray a Hail Mary. He wants me to shout out a quick Glory Be in recognition of his right hand guiding my bebes. He wants me to talk to him about my parents and about my friends and about work. He wants me and when I let him have me then I go from feeling like I am a weak manager to feeling like a child of God. When I remember who I am for then I remember how good he has been to me. That goodness has been in my marriage and in the gifts that are my children. When I sit in that gratitude then how can I keep from praying for my family and how can I keep from loving those around me too.

My priorities were not misdirected in terms of who I was praying or how often. The misunderstanding was my priority when praying was rooted in what I could do not in what he could do. He is my Lord and my God. He is my father and my friend. He is also that to my children and every single person I love. He is that to everyone if we surrender. 

I will always have moments of weakness, but he gives me many consolations and I will always call on my old pals, Sts. Zelie and Louis to encourage me. Also, my current favorite psalm, Psalm 91 gives me much solace. 

Eldridge is a Catholic mom living in the Diocese of Baton Rouge facing the same challenges all families face.