It’s been more than a year since I have shared funny things my family says about our faith. I’ve been documenting them on my phone as they happen. I hope these dialogue snippets make you giggle as much as they made me while I was compiling them all together. Not all incidents were funny at the moment but I see the Lord’s jokes in retrospect. I am so, so grateful for his perfectly timed humor.
Oldest boy: “In heaven, I’ll be able to ask God all the questions you don’t know the answers to?”
Mom: “I never claimed to know it all plus you won’t have any questions in heaven as the Bible says all will be revealed.”
OB: “So I can’t ask him any questions? I have many questions to ask.”
Mom: “ALL will be revealed, bruh. You will feel completely satisfied. You won’t need anything.”
OB: “So not even a couple of questions?”
Mom: “What are your questions? I’ll Google them. We will revisit this later when you are listening.”
Riding around looking at Christmas lights near a gated community …
Oldest: “I want to live in a gated community when I grow up.”
Mom: “Oh perfect! You could be a cloistered Carmelite. There’s a monastery in Lafayette.”
Oldest: “… sigh … MOM!”
Beginning of the big girl’s band concert we all stand and say the pledge, as we all sit down my older son says, quite loud, “Amen” and makes the sign of the cross.
A random man nearby: “Amen, buddy.”
The older boy wakes up his parents on the first day of Christmas break. Since Dad and I slept later than usual even with the interruption it means we didn’t have quiet prayer, so these tiny humans were around during our morning time with the Lord.
Boy: “Hey! Hey! What’s for breakfast?”
Dad: “Prayers, son.”
Boy: “You can’t eat prayers.”
Mom: “You should try because if you wake us up early again on a break then you will need as much as possible.”
Boy: “Ugh, Mom. I’ll just pour a bowl of cereal.”
The baby is learning more. If he is still awake for the rosary then he beats his fists on his chest at the end of the rosary and says AAAHHHENN! It’s the holiest and cutest Tarzan action I have ever seen.
Daughter #2: “Look, Mom. The Columbian knights are praying the rosary on the confessional side.”
At the supper table playing Catholic Trivia.
“In what country was the Our Lady of Knock apparition?”
Dad: “Hint. This country speaks their native language and English.”
All kids spend time guessing different places.
Dad: “Ok, enough. It’s Ireland they speak Irish and English.”
Oldest Daughter: “Oh, I was thinking they speak only Irelandish so I didn’t guess Ireland.”
Mom and Dad: “Nah, girl.”
Oldest Son: “Mom did you know that my friend on the bus, (says name), is Catholic?”
Mom: “Yes, I did. I know his Mom.”
OS: “He never told me that information.”
Mom: “Well, I don’t think that’s the first thing nine-year-old boys are gonna tell each other dude.”
OS: “Oh? Well, that’s good to know.”
Mom: “Everyone go and spend 30 minutes cleaning your room. It should not take that long if you actually stay on task. Don’t come out asking me any random questions about anything.”
Son #1: “What if my room is on fire? What if my question is about Jesus?”
Mom: (in my mind)…” hold me back, Lord. HOLD ME BACK.”
Speaking about mausoleums or columbariums and what we should decide for our final resting place.
Ellen: “I was researching the cost of mausoleums. It’s a lot. Do you ever think we should choose the columbarium route instead?”
Husband: “Yes, but I also keep thinking what if they need to exhume my body to check for incorruptibility?”
Ellen: (catches breath from laughing) “Baw, stop.”
Son #1: If he is leading the rosary. “… fruit of the mystery is love” … next mystery … “fruit of the mystery is love” and so on.
Everyone: “It’s not LOVE every time, dude.”
Him: “Oh, really? Tell that to Jesus.”
Big dude: “Mom listen to this poem I wrote about Jesus:”
Jesus made earth and presented miracles
Jesus is like many doves doing aerials
Jesus can walk on water if he want
Jesus can even teleport you to Vermont
Jesus made the Ten Commandments
Jesus has many advances
Jesus is awesome and can do anything
Jesus can do more things than many things
Jesus will keep his promise I know it.
Mom: “Oh! Ok. Did you look online for near rhymes for this particular piece, Bubs?”
Big dude: “Yes I did! It’s a 92% match.”
Mom: “riveting.”
Husband: “Guess what I got today??”
Ellen: “ No clue!”
Husband: “PRECIOUS BLOOD at St. Alphonsus’. I was so excited I barely got any. Imma go back to mass tomorrow and you better believe I WILL Receive.”
Dad: “Where was Jesus born?”
Middle Daughter: “ Jerusalem.”
Dad: “No. It starts with a B.”
Same kid louder with more haste: “BARUSALEM.”
Dad: sigh ... “game over.”
Mom: “For the fifth time, go fold your clothes, son.”
Older son: “UGHHHH. WHY, EVE?”
Mom: “What is that all about?”
Older son: “She ate that APPLE and now I have these chores.”
Mom: “Baw, stop.”
I’ll keep archiving. Real life is so much cooler than fiction. It’s no wonder that my older son was baptized on St. Lawrence’s (patron saint of comedians) feast day because he is the most fruitful with anecdotes.
St. Lawrence pray for us.
Holy Spirit please continue to give us the wisdom to see the funny in the folly, in the mundane, and in the hardships.
Eldridge is a Catholic mom living in the Diocese of Baton Rouge facing the same challenges all families face.