Early in my Foreign Service career, I learned a valuable lesson from an older, more seasoned boss.
At that time, I was serving as the press attaché at the U.S. Embassy in Guatemala City. Before joining the Foreign Service, I had studied journalism at LSU, interned at the Morning Advocate and worked as a radio news reporter.
As the embassy’s press attaché I had multiple roles, including supporting the efforts of the ambassador and the rest of the embassy team, helping visiting U.S. journalists and working with local media. My goal in all of these roles was to make sure that articles were accurate.
I’d like to digress here and say that I grew up in the rural outskirts of Baton Rouge as the only girl in an all-boy, very small neighborhood. I learned early that I had to be tough to stand up to all those boys. My attitude became, by necessity, to give back as good as I got.
Paradoxically, as an introvert, I hate confrontation. As my skill with words increased over time, I frequently found it easier to write something to someone rather than to face them personally.
In Guatemala I saw a pattern emanating from one particular radio station. Its journalists, uniformly and often unfairly, were critical of the United States and our policies. I sent that station published reports with the correct facts, hoping those facts would make their way into the next broadcast. That never happened. I reached my limit when I read the transcript of a broadcast that personally attacked our ambassador.
I responded in the way I had learned growing up, by hitting back. I drafted a very strong “Letter to the Editor,” refuting the negative points made in the broadcast and defending our ambassador. As required in our hierarchical system, I took the “Letter to the Editor” to my boss for his approval.
He read the letter, then leaned back in his chair and pushed a wave of his hair off his forehead.
“Have you paid a courtesy call on the director of the radio station yet?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, “not yet.”
“Well,” my boss said, “this is a cogent letter, but before we send it out let’s pay a courtesy call at the station.”
Because the letter was time sensitive, I set up an appointment as quickly as I could. When we were ushered into the office of the radio station’s owner, my boss began chit-chatting, asking the owner about how he was doing, inquiring about the owner’s wife and children, joking about local soccer teams. I impatiently waited for him to get to the point. I had a lot of work waiting for me back at the office, and why bother to be nice to someone who clearly hated the United States? After a half-hour or so, my boss stood up, signaling the end of the meeting. Neither he nor the owner had said anything about the station’s coverage of U.S. policy in Central America, our ambassador or the misinformation the radio station was broadcasting.
Back in the car, I questioned my boss about never raising the burning issue.
“In my experience,” he mildly replied, “it is best to introduce yourself before you start sending in letters to the editor and such things. It’s easy for journalists to attack people they don’t know. It’s harder to attack someone they have met and liked. And besides, now he knows we are paying attention to him and his station. Sometimes that is all they want, for us to pay attention.”
I was highly skeptical, but he was the boss. We didn’t send the letter to the editor. Amazingly, after our visit, the attacks against U.S. policy and the ambassador stopped. Completely.
I took this lesson to heart, and put it to good use at various times in my career. Before responding in kind, even when it was merited, I made an effort to get to know the other party. Having an initial friendly meeting makes later difficult conversations go a lot easier.
I recalled this lesson recently. I subscribe to an app that allows neighbors to exchange information. A posting thread started about who is responsible for a tree that grows on a property line. One neighbor was highly incensed that he was being forced to clean up leaves for a tree not his. Who, he wanted to know, is responsible for paying for trimming the tree? Who is responsible for cleaning up the copious leaves that fall? Who has the right to cut down the tree? It became quite a long thread, with various neighbors jumping in to cite legalities, city ordinances, and difficult situations they had had with neighbors.
It was a long, long discussion before someone rather timidly asked, “Have you spoken to your neighbor about this?” And, of course, it transpired that the original poster had not. He had shied away from what he assumed was going to be a confrontation.
How often do we all do this? Start out assuming the worst when there is a problem, rather than starting out by offering a friendly hand and an amiable conversation? I know I have been guilty of it but since Guatemala I strive to build a bridge of friendship before launching the grenades – even in the form of letters – that are going to destroy any possibility of a bridge.
Julie Gianelloni Conner, a Baton Rouge native, formerly worked for the U.S. Foreign Service. She is now owner and editor of Bayou City Press in Houston, TX.