Stepping out of one’s comfort zone

In my freshman year of high school my English teacher handed me three sheets of paper full of little commas that he drew and a note: “Ellen, if you plan on writing anything in the future you will need this because you are literally a run-on sentence.”
Several years later in my honors world history class I turned in a paper with confidence. The next day I was crushed. 
“Ellen, do you think you should be in this class with this type of writing?” the teacher wrote in a note. 
And then the third swing-and-a-miss was in my first graduate level history class. I was called into the professor’s office to discuss the final paper. It was a 20-page research paper that was the most effort I had ever put into something academic in my life.  

“Ellen, I was confused from the first page. I could not find any connections to the topic, and you write conversationally. That is not acceptable at this level. I am ‘gifting’ you a B-minus because of your effort and loyalty to the class,” the professor said. 
Let’s all collectively agree that none of these experiences led me to teaching composition classes. To be most candid, it led me to teaching middle school in the beginning of my career because that was where I associated my competency to be. I cannot teach anything above that level if all my “constructive” feedback began after that. 
Throughout my career in education the Lord did enlighten me on the reason he wanted me to be a teacher, and I’m grateful for the wisdom because there was plenty of reason to doubt. It was for the relationships. 
When I was approached by a dear friend to think about writing a column, I nearly choked. I may have even blacked out for a few seconds. “Ugh, NO! Hard pass, pal. Want me to tell them some jokes? I can do that.”
She had no idea that my weakness and fear was the written word. Three separate spotlights of that fact were really all my heart could take. I cannot expose myself to an entire audience of smart people. That’s crazy talk. 
Jokes? I got you. If you want pretty paragraphs, sentence structure and semicolons then you’ve got the wrong person. She assured me that’s not what this is about. “Please just discern a bit and do it with your palms up and let’s see what happens,” she said. 
 Not long before she presented this idea to me I had finished a second round of Father Gaitley’s Marian consecration, “33 Days to Morning Glory.” This time I was more focused on giving my fiat like the Blessed Mother if I believed it to be a Holy Spirit inspiration. 
I spoke to my husband about it, and he wasn’t exactly confirming the yes for me. I immediately thought back to the face he made after he read my 20-page grad school paper. He was my paper editor in college and grad school so he knows this girl’s skill level better than most. 
My early stuff has sanctified him without a doubt. I later learned the face he did make when we were talking was one of concern and worry about me telling the world “our business.” I prayed more and had a hopeful meeting at The Catholic Commentator. I learned I didn’t need to be Dorothy Day, simply a mom and wife trying to raise her kids for the Lord. 
Writing conversationally may lend itself to be more relatable.  I said yes and felt a strong consolation in doing so. I quickly knew that I had to call on the Holy Spirit every single time. I also understood that when my writing turned from anything in the secular world to the Lord then it shined more of a light. 
You cannot go from “literally a run-on sentence” to one that people don’t cringe while they read without a little divine love. It is him and only him that can change my perspective and ability, and I’m so honored to be a “little pencil” like St. Teresa of Calcutta once mentioned. 
What a generous and patient Lord to wait on me to recognize his planning.  He gave me friends that push me, and he gave me his mother to keep my heart in hers so that I can continue my own fiat in her likeness. I am still not a writer and I know this isn’t winning any literary awards. I know too that this is for him and it has purpose. Now I am someone who puts into words what the Lord puts on her heart about her family, and … “with  God all things are possible” (Mt. 19:26). 
I’m so grateful for a place to share our trials and joys with all of you. It lets me give God all the glory in a big way! This journey has afforded me a lesson in humility and obedience. It is a gift I can give to my children. I said yes to a very scary thing that caused me a lot of pain by way of insecurity over the years. 
My children are already experiencing people’s opinions to the point of leaving dark marks. I can use these inspirations to give witness to the Lord’s hand in our life. 
I would like to encourage you to try to say yes to something you are hesitant about but only with the caveat that you call on the Holy Spirit. If he provides you the courage to give you your fiat, then hold on for the ride. I’ll pray for you to feel enriched and that you have the wisdom to know the truth of what St. Paul preached: “For when I am weak then I am powerful,” (2 Cor 12:11).

Eldridge is a Catholic mom living in the Diocese of Baton Rouge facing the same challenges all families face.